If you don’t understand your own behaviour, you cannot understand anyone else’s behaviour.
“And they all lived happily ever after…”
That is how all fairy tales end.
But we know better. Reality doesn’t work the same way.
There’s happiness AND sadness. Pains and pleasures. Tears intermingled with smiles and laughter.
While a “happy ever after” might be reserved for fairy tales, having a warm, caring relationship with the one you love that not only stands the test of time but gets stronger with time, is definitely possible.
So, why then do so many relationships not last?
In essence, it all boils down to a lack of skills and understanding.
Firstly, people do not fully understand their own behaviours, and as such, aren’t able to understand their partner’s behaviours, which often leads to misunderstandings and miscommunication.
(How can you understand your partner’s behaviours if you don’t understand your own?)
Secondly, people lack the skills needed to make relationships work.
Without these important relationship skills, it becomes much easier for partners to have unrealistic expectations which they project onto each other.
A common unrealistic expectation is this: “Because we are in a relationship, YOU are responsible for making me happy.”
Another unrealistic expectation: “This is how I want to be loved and I expect you to love me in this way.”
Remember, any time one partner has the perception that his/her needs aren’t being met, he/she will pull away and push the other partner away.
When this happens, the intimate space between partners becomes contaminated.
A young couple I’m working with is currently experiencing this.
Sue and James are both in their mid-thirties. James, who perceives his needs are not being met as a result of Sue not showing him love the way he expects to receive it, feels rejected and unimportant.
And guess what?
Sue feels the same!
As much as we want the person we’re in a relationship with to love us the way we want to be loved, it doesn’t work that way.
Your partner will love you in the way that he/she shows love, not in the way you expect to receive it.
When I grew to understand how my husband loves me, my perception that he doesn’t fulfil my needs changed.
Ask yourself: What is my partner’s way of showing love?
It is important to keep in mind that every single person in the world has a unique set of values or priorities which are of high importance to him/her.
These values influence the way we act, the type of decisions we make, and, ultimately, how we live our lives.
Understanding that your partner’s behaviour will always be based on his/her values the same way your behaviour is based on your values, is a valuable skill — one that will serve your relationship well.
When you grow yourself by growing your knowledge, understanding, and skills, your relationship grows as well.
Are you interested in growing yourself and your relationship?
Drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org or send me a WhatsApp if you are ready for growth.
I will connect with you on a free discovery call to discuss how we can make your aspirations a reality.
I always say the universe applauds action.
From my heart to yours,