Sexual bond – is there a way to stay satisfied in the bedroom in a long-term relationship? It’s a challenge, but it’s possible.
I’ve seen many couples who lament the fact that their sex life has changed dramatically since the initial infatuation stage. Men talk longingly of the time when their wives wanted to make love several times a day. Women talk wistfully of husbands who used to be caring and attentive in the bedroom, but are now simply focused on the end result.
Let’s look at 2 big sexual bond enemies
Sexual bond enemy # 1: Familiarity breeds contempt.
The problem is that once we’re in committed partnerships, we think we know what works in the sexual side of our relationship. Complacency and routine sets in. We enjoy variety in all other areas of our lives, but we tend to stick to what we know in the lovemaking department.
Familiarity breeds contempt, and sameness breeds boredom. A realistic couple will understand that their sex life needs as much attention as the rest of their relationship.
Long-term partners tend to become shy or unwilling to try new techniques or toys because of familiarity. Years of living together can, paradoxically, increase (rather than decrease) modesty within the couple.
Sexual bond enemy #2: Proximity
Another enemy of sexual compatibility, in the long term, is proximity. As Jean-Michel Fitremann, a French sexologist and psychotherapist, says, ‘Partners who spend all their free time together risk not seeing each other;
When you become involved in a relationship, remember that it’s healthy and natural for you to both remain individuals, enjoying your respective journeys of growth. Regular communication serves the purpose of sharing, acknowledging and even celebrating the uniqueness of each of partner. In turn, such acknowledgement indirectly helps you appreciate the multidimensional nature of your relationship.
Regular communication serves the purpose of sharing, acknowledging and even celebrating the uniqueness of each of partner. In turn, such acknowledgement indirectly helps you appreciate the multidimensional nature of your relationship.
Furthermore, communication is a foundation for opening yourself up to another human being. Such willingness to hear the other helps to initiate a social context from which your relationship can flourish. A couple needs to create a shared reality – a kind of personal language – so that companionship evolves over time.
There tends to be a cumulative effect of positive communication that builds a shared reality. The provides couples with a safe place to land when they go through tough times. No matter what trial and challenges life throws at you, you’re assured of an accepting place in your partnership.
Every day sharing
Simply talking about your day can be a good starting point. In couples where communication has not been part of the relationship’s DNA, it may be important to actually schedule time and be structured about engaging until the pattern becomes more natural.
Remember, sharing a cheerful request is more likely to boost your relationship than making an angry accusation. For example, instead of using the ominous words ‘we need to talk”, you could rather say, ‘I’m trying to find ways to make our family run more smoothly. Can I tell you my ideas? Let me know your thoughts.’
As mentioned earlier, we all have assumptions that we bring to our relationship. Talking about your pasts, your dreams and your setbacks is an important way of narrowing the differences in the assumptions you each hold. Regular engagement will help to narrow that discrepancy.
Discuss contentious topics only when you and your partner are in a pleasant frame of mind. you’ll find yourself feeling less defensive and more receptive to his feelings.
If, during a discussion, you feel you are growing angry or resentful, agree to revisit the subject when you both feel calmer. When you do resume the conversation, use ‘I’ language: ‘I feel’…’I see that…’, ‘I understand’; instead of ‘you make me…’, ‘you always…’ ‘you never…’ You’ll enjoy better communication and a deeper connection with your partner.